Calculus at 94 Degrees

Note: this has been reposted as homage to iterations of this blog past. Also, a friend of mine kept bothering me for it.

The following is an excerpt from the personal log of an individual and describes all activities participated in on the night of the 17th, February 2004.

7:28 P.M.
It was a dark and overcast evening, with no stars visible in the glass of the heavens and an ominous forbearance in the air. I sat down, opened the thick and aged math notebook, and looked at the task that was before me: a myriad of related rates, derivatives, integrals, and proportional fractions. The road would be tough, but I would prevail.

8:53 P.M.
30 problems in, I was still going strong. The third assignment was a short one, which reenforced my spirits, yet the remaining pages seemed to flow onward into eternity. I wiped the sweat from my brow and gave the new pencil a single click; lead conservation would be critical in this dangerous endeavor. I began to wonder if such a feat as this had ever been attempted, but was reticent to allow my mind to wander too far into the abyss. There was still work to be done.

10:27 P.M.
Things were beginning to grow more difficult. Integrations seemed to transform into derivations, and then back again, amorphous and confusing in the interim. My hand was suffering from multiple instances of writer’s cramp, and nonsensical answers were unconsciously being put down on the paper, almost as if willed by the rebelling muscles. With a third of the problems remaining, solutions were dwindling and hope was on the edge of oblivion.

10:59 P.M.
Through some indescribable feat of mathematical misinterpretation and answer sheets, the assignment was completed with much error. The hallucinations began to subside almost immediately, and that feeling akin to drinking too much cough syrup gave way to one of euphoria and bliss. The final staple thrust through the sizable stack of white paper like a dragon’s tooth through the flesh of a young maiden, and with that gruesome bit of imagery behind me, I was at last able to fall into a deep and dark sleep. I was the victor. The unthinkable had been accomplished. Procrastinators around the world let out a collective round of applause. All this and more were mine, now and forever.